Yes, the title might be found moderately offensive to some. I am not too worried about it. This blog is a dedication. A dedication to all the females out there who do not like their ass.
Yes, sure, we shouldn’t worry about, we should love to like what we have, we should not look at what we see in the media and take it as reality. Bullshit. I call bullshit.
Because the truth is that no matter what attitude you pretend to have you care about your ass. Even if you don’t spend hours obsessing over it and trying to properly align all of your mirrors to check it as the best angle I promise you think a lot about your ass and what it looks like. Every time you put on a pair of pants, shorts, jeans, or a skirt you are thinking about it. I promise you will be thinking about it when you put on the first swimsuit of the season.
And you probably don’t like your ass. You are mostly in the category that think you have a fat ass. Too big, to mushy, to droopy. Many of you, however, will be the opposite, you will try stuff on and wish you could get a large butt so that you don’t look better in boys jeans than those cut for women. Flat ass girls might be more apt to describe that category.
And right now I see the results of this desire to change your derrier. I look outside on the first warm days of the year and see countless women jogging along with visions of firm, sexy glutes dangling just past the next kilometre.
And in all honestly, most of what I see is a lot of extra winter storage flopping around resembling a waterbed more than a brand new firm mattress.
But away everyone goes. The fierce look of hopeful determination on their faces. I will like showing off my ass this year at the cottage party. I will go to dinner in my new jeans and watched boyfriends and husbands around the place catch evil eyes as they eye up my glorious glutes. This will be the year.
Just 1 more kilometre.
Well, not to be the harbinger of death to your dreams, the vast majority of you will never ever achieve this. You are doing it all wrong.
You are jogging (note I don’t say running, Usain Bolt runs, everyone I see on the street jogs, big difference), hitting the elliptical, or hopping on a bike in spin class.
Oh I know, I am the anti-runing guy, the anti- cardio guy, blah blah blah. No, I’m not. I am the guy telling you the truth instead of trying to sell you a new pair of running shoes or sucking you into two easy payments for the latest elliptical with extra firm toning programs. I am the guy telling you that what you’re doing is all wrong.
Believe me or not I really don’t care, honestly, I don’t. If you think you know better than me, or your fat friend scarfing donuts in the lunch room has better advice than I do, by all means take it. I will be over at my gym working with my clients who actually get it and are willing to work for it.
Oh, yeah, and my clients have a nicer ass than you do.
Here it is in a nutshell. If you aren’t doing the following exercises you will never like your ass: deadlifts, lunges, step-ups, squats, and split squats. That’s it, that is all the advice you need. Well, you need to be lifting heavy too. All of those exercises should be your body weight or more. If they aren’t you aren’t going to get anywhere new.
Haha, I can hear lots of you thinking about how wrong I am. How that is too difficult, or too dangerous. Did you know running puts way more stress and force through your joints then any of the exercises I mentioned does?
Of course you did because you also have been training for 10 years, own a fitness business, write for journals and magazines, and are about to finish your masters in human movement biomechanics.
No. Cardio makes your ass flat and less muscular. It also primes your body for storing more fat. It does not help get rid of cellulite (which by the way doesn’t exist, it’s just a descriptive term for the way fat is stored, but again you knew that). A lot of cardio actually primes your body to store more fat.
Go check out the fitness magazines. See how all the girls have great, round, firm, glutes that make guys drool and girls call them a lucky bitch. Want to know what they do to get that? Go read my exercise recommendations above. That’s what they do.
And if they run it is short sprints (please note a sprint is 10 seconds or shorter, 1 min fast intervals are NOT sprints, they are intervals, which is still cardio, just faster cardio), not in long slow jogging sessions.
Will you listen to me? Make the adjustment I recommend? Maybe. Again, I don’t really care what you do. When you’re ready I will help you.
Until then you can go join all those other girls outside right now, slowing jogging their way to another disappointing clothes shopping session. Not my fault, I told you already what not to do. I will be driving by giving a little chuckle as you get a little further from your goal. Not because I think you’re stupid but because I just don’t know how to get it through your head that you are not getting where you want to go.